Now What?

So yeah... camp's over. Long story short, we got some extensions and managed without any complaints, and overall I'd say the camp was a success. Definitely memorable and hopefully a life-changing experience for some, if not all the participants there. I can't ask for more. End of story.

Currently back in Labuan. Haven't been much into the blogging mood 'cos I haven't had much time to just sit down and do nothing for my mind to go where it goes when I've got nothing to do (and that's good). Unfortunately that doesn't last forever. The fact that I'm now typing all this out is proof enough that my mind can't idle for very long. It's shitty. It's fucked up.

So wish I could type out everything that's on my mind right now, but that's the trouble with a public blog (my fault for being so gung-ho on blogging when I first started, I know). But I'm wondering, why would I have these things on my mind, why would my mind still be in such a state when I've got a whole lot of weight off my shoulders recently? Results are out, I passed everything, hence I'm graduating, and that's a huge relief. I've pretty much got my career path chalked up and ready to go, and I don't think I could think of a better plan, so that's another huge thing done with. I'm no longer looking into 'baggage' (thanks for that word Jeremy, suits perfectly) so that's no longer an issue. I've got people around me constantly, friends and family. I'm back home! So why am I still having 'headaches'?

Sigh... I know if my thoughts continue going on 'overdrive' like this, a lot of 'things I don't want to happen', will happen. I will lose something and someone I've come to depend on without realising just how significant that is. I'm... starting to ramble.

I'm starting to go insane. I need and anchor for this wayward ship that is my mind, it can't just simply change directions like this everytime the wind blows! FUCK!

All I can say is, the mind is a terrible thing to lose... and I don't want to lose mine.

"How could you?!"

That phrase from a certain incident was running through my head the whole day... Sigh. Still not off this god-forsakken 'highway' yet. 

Anyway, changing the subject.

After leaving Penang at 4pm... I'm finally here...

The reason I've sacrificed my time with family back home.

My last ever involvement with the Campus Ministry.

P.D. 

Port Dickson. 

IJ Sisters Convent/Bungalow.

Venue for Semenanjung Camp 2009.  

8 hours later. -_-"

Nothing of a surprise, 'cos I've already been here the week before. Came to scout the place (as though we had a backup to this place if I had said 'no'). The place is nice. For a building close to a 100 years old it still has a homey feel about it, and with the beach just literally outside the fence of the place, I'd definitely rate it high among the places I've been for camps like these. Also, due to the low number of participants, we all get to use the rooms, some single, some twin sharing, so that's definitely an unexpected plus. 

However, one thing I forgot to check the last time I came, and what slipped my mind that's normal for very old buildings, is the number of wall-plug-points available. Besides the hall downstairs, which has about 4, there's only ONE upstairs! Not a single place to charge your phone or laptop in the 12 rooms upstairs. -_-" ... great. Now we need to get extension cords before the complaints, which I know will come, from committee and participants alike arise for the lack of being connected to their 'Active 10'... or '11'... or whatever. But it's understandable, considering that everyone most likely has someone to call every night, and the committee (all 5 of us) will be running around suicidal by the time the camp begins this Saturday... Just should've thought to check this earlier...

Well... here's to taking things one problem at a time!

 

**sounds of cocks crowing in the distance**

Wonder what tomorrow's gonna bring? 

**noise from the cars and motorcycles speeding at the road opposite my room**

Better make sure I don't drain the laptop battery just yet.

**Azan starting from the mosque opposite** 

-_-"

Let's see if I still remember how to do this...

Yes yes, I know. I've been gone off the blogosphere for a while now. 

Any good reasons for it...? 

Well, first of all there was the whole thing about ensuring I graduated this semester. Unfortunately that didn't turn out as planned (the 'ensuring' part), but there's still hope in the horizon. Just hoping the department doesn't decide it's a good time to raise the passing grade this time 'round. So fingers crossed, nothing screws me over this time.

Secondly, politics has become a bit MORE of a circus nowadays. The same shit goes on day in day out, and most of it makes me think I'm just watching a rerun of the past. Well, until someone dies in Parliament, or something NEW that I haven't heard before comes up, I'm steering away from politics for the time being.

And finally... I'm occupied with other matters at the moment. Directing a camp with almost NO committee members, on top of that having less than encouraging participation... let's just say this is an experience I will take with me. Whether I think upon it years later with a smile on my face, or would sooner forget it as soon as it comes to mind is a question I'll only be able to answer after the end of the month.

So what then am I blogging about this time? Well, the beauty of blogs is that you can say what you want, when you want it and DON'T GIVE TWO FUCKS if anyone gives a shit. To me at least.

-Random Ramble (just to get things off my chest)-

These past few days, weeks, and maybe months, have been... well, an 'enlightening' experience for myself. A lot of my past that I thought I had left behind, things I'd rather not remember or think of, awoke from their slumber. Instead of getting rid of or getting over them like I thought I did, they've actually just been hiding in some dark corner of my mind, waiting to pounce. Pounce they did. Unexpectedly. Leaving me in a messed up state. 

Mood swings. 

Inability to feel anything (emotional numbness). 

The things I thought I knew about myself, bit by bit start to crumble leaving me with questions. 

The people I thought I trusted the most, I start to question. 

The things I said I'll never do again, I almost did. 

Memories I never knew I had, I remember in detail now. 

It's just like my brain took the highway down memory lane and entered the unkept rest-stops along the way; dirty, unpleasant, never-to-return-again.

....and when it reached the end it went the other way... yet stopping at the same stops along the way back to the present.

Sigh.

All I know is, I need a break. From all this BAD thinking.

I need a new 'mask'. I need to rebuild my 'pillars'.

I need to get drunk. I need to hear a good joke and have a good laugh.

I need to see friends, good friends, people I can trust.

I need... 'LIFE'.